Couch Recon: Complete

I bought a couch.

It was the ugliest colored one in the store.

It was love at first sight, and now it's MINE.

Operation: Couch Reconnaissance began harmlessly doing just that -- checking out what my options are, getting a sense of what I want, etc etc.  We went to Consigned Home Furnishings (I HIGHLY recommend this store if you're looking for furniture -- every piece is unique and really cool, some stuff is new, some used, and because it's consignment if they don't sell stuff in a certain amount of time they start marking it down a LOT).  Brother went with me and we weren't fifty feet into the store when he sat on this one and said "Hey what about this one?"  I, uh, well, it's -- It's .... Kind of awesome.....?

I sat on it, and it was all over.

Nobody in their right mind ever plans to buy a GOLD couch, but what was I to do?

Love is love.

Okaaay, it actually was NOT the ugliest colored couch in the store.  The Ugly Winner by far is a two chair and couch set made of --- waaaaait for it -- BABY PINK MOHAIR.  

Did you just throw up in your mouth a little?  I did.

Apple Festival 2012

Saturday October 20, 2012

I said it before and I'll say it again: I freaking LOVE the Apple Festival.

And Autumn.  I freaking.  LOVE.  AUTUMN.

<3

Heh.

Breathtaking!

This is why I live here.

I Write Letters to People, Though I Rarely Intend to Send Them

September 29, 2012

Dear Jamie,

We're having Santa Cruz weather and it conjures so quickly those feelings I used to have when I'd start my mornings on foot and soak up the beach air along the riverbed.  The exact same feelings!  Distinct and specific, marking a time so distinct to my memory it almost makes me well up with that combination of sad-happy (sappy?); marking the transition into something big and important, that I would not know until much later how big and important it truly was: art school, making art constantly, forging friendships with some of the most influential people in my life, including you, and making art together.  Doesn't it feel weird?  That times are so distant?

The clouds are low and warm grey.  It feels like the beach could be right around the corner.

In my dreams, right?

Love,
P

A Blessed Unrest

Another one from J.

Another one that speaks to my soul.

"There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique.  If you block it, it will never exist through any other medium.  It will be lost.  The world will not have it.  It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how valuable it is, nor how it compares with other expressions.  It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.
You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work.  You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motive you.  Keep the channel open.  There is no satisfaction whatever at any time.  There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive."

-Martha Graham to Agnes de Mille

Hello, I Love You

Won't you tell me your name?

Maaaaybe I'll have some 'nana...

You really should try a pill bottle-turned custom rattle.  

They are quite delicious.

If I can hold it, I can eat it.

Share?

Pretty?

Lens?

Siiiiigh... Will you do something funny soon?

...like.... TICKLE MY FEET AAHHHHHHHH!

You silly lady.

You're funny. 

Uh, excuse me?  I'm nekked here.

Don't tell Mom I can read even though I can't walk yet.

It'll blow the whole plan.

Home Therapy

The following items are my feelings about things:

• Dining room - LOVE it, and not just because I've never had a dining room before.  Who DOESN'T love bay windows?!
• Kitchen - warming up to it.  The size and shape is a little unfortunate, and the color of the tile makes my eyeballs bleed, but I'll get there.  I'll learn to like it soon enough.
• Refrigerator - HAAAAATE.  "Gently used" my @$$.  NOTHING fits properly.  How is this possible?  How is it possible the MILK and MAYONNAISE do not fit properly?!?
• Living room - still in progress.  I will enjoy it immensely once it's not filled with crap anymore and the ant trail is no longer stretching the length of the entire GD house to the trash can.
• Bathroom - the light pink, medium pink, dark raspberry pink, and black tile doesn't bother me as much in the bathroom than in the kitchen.  Maybe because pink makes more sense in a bathroom?  And the tub is HOOJ (well, huge for me.....) so, yeah.  Love that.
• Boudoir - FAB!  It's cool, dark, secluded... The temperature stays the most consistent of anywhere else in the house and is soothing, calm, and wonderful... I haven't slept this well in a looooong time.  YAY.

The Abode

The apartment is coming along.  Updates:

Got the dining room in some sort of order.  I was a total badass and hung FOUR curtain rods all in one evening.

Went crazy at Ikea, too, and got rugs, cups, and other miscellaneous items that make me embarrassingly giddy.

Plotting couch wrangling has commenced as well.

Bought a dishwasher (a machine, not a human) and should be arriving next week.  THAT makes me feel like a grown-up............

Mom even mentioned this place looks more "grown up" than the others and she's totally right, and I was totally thinking that before she said it.  It feels more like a little house than an apartment.

It's more exposed, has more windows, and has more traffic noise than the other place, but somehow feels more private, quiet, and secluded.  We're sleeping better, we feel better, pretty much all things are better here.

THANK GOD for blessings in disguise.

She Says "Blugh"

September 19th

Stress reaction.  Anger.  Slow going and slow coming down.  But how long will it take?

Set off easily.  I hate that.

I need a day off.

Or ten.

I know they're coming but now definitely feeling they're much needed.


September 26th

Much calmer after my mini vacation, but still -- the edginess comes quickly and strong.  I don't know how long it will take to be able to stay calm, but I would really like it right about now.

[...]

It may take longer than four days of vacation to fully expunge work from the system, to get it out of the mind, the blood.

It may take something more like a week.

I Heart Susan Miller

I need to take a minute to tell you why I love Susan Miller, and why she is such a genius.

So, I'm into astrology, no news there.  I love Susan's monthly horoscopes because they are very detailed, thorough, and usually prove to be accurate.  A trick I've learned is to read your monthly horoscope towards the END of the month, to see if the things that were predicted came true, without the bias of watching out for things beforehand.

That's what I did this month, and BOY HOWDY am I delightfully surprised -- again!  It's all dead-on.  And it FREAKS ME OUT.

Here we go.

"The new moon of September 15 might set you packing again to travel, this time to a town much closer to home. You may decide to take a business trip while the weather is still gentle. If you do travel, you'll have a specific goal to complete. New contacts will be pouring into your life after this new moon, and with Mars so supportive, you will welcome new people and influences. Your mind will be agile and sharp, and you'll be eager to gobble up the information you see, the minute it is presented to you. The third house prepares us for future change, and you seem ready for new projects, events, and people to fill your life. This new moon is in Virgo, so you will need to be very organized to keep up with the flow of information that will pour in from so many sources."

I very much felt this way earlier in the month, "agile and sharp," and took advantage of that in my work and in my writing.  And TOTALLY ready for new projects, people, things to do...

"You may now begin a writing, editing, or speaking project. Or you may get serious about entering social networking or about enlarging your presence there. You may issue a podcast or ebook, or redesign your website or blog. You may prepare a special marketing, public relations, promotional, or advertising campaign. Or you may very successfully use this new moon to design a cell phone app or new software. The month's emphasis on Virgo makes this an ideal time to work on any project that requires eagle eyes and attention to minute detail. The new moon in the third house is why so many of the themes that will emerge now will center on communications and travel."

I started two new blogs this month, one of which incorporates a LOT of writing in more a creative style, and I also revamped this blog a little bit.  It's been challenging doing creative writing again, and I'm just testing it out for now so I'm maintaining some anonymity, but the first few weeks these new projects were ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT.  Absorbed, consumed, enthralled -- WHATEVER it was, it was a creative high that wouldn't quit.

"You may also see a strong emphasis on your sister or brother this month, and part of the reason for your travel may be to see your sibling. If family obligations make it impossible for you to travel, you may find you are on the phone with your sibling quite a bit."

Uhhh, Brother and I flew down to see Other Brother, Sis-in-Law, and Nephew last weekend.  Soo......

"If you were born on July 15, plus or minus four days, you will benefit from this new moon more than other Cancers you know. It's a great time to initiate something new."

Done.  Did it.  It's been done-it.

"Your attention will be drawn to your career at the difficult full moon, September 29 plus or minus four days. A matter will reach critical mass, and at just that time, you will need to be attentive to what is happening at home, too. Keeping an eye on both won't be easy, but it will be necessary. The full moon will be in Aries, 7 degrees, and precisely conjoin Uranus. That alone means whatever is going on at work on a very high profile project, or in regard to a powerful VIP, is about to take a turn in a very unexpected direction. You will not see this coming.

Pluto will be in hard angle to the moon and Uranus, and also at the same time be in hard angle to the Sun in your house of home. The moon is your ruler, so you will be taking everything very personally. The Sun rules your solar second house of earned income, so news about a fee or salary matter seems to upset you. Either someone will not pay you what was promised or you may experience an unexpected expense. Meanwhile, Pluto is currently in your relationship house, so in this complex situation, as much as you would love to get support from this person, you won't and may, by default, become be part of the problem."

As I was JUST saying today: Is EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE WORLD PMSing right now, or what?!  Very tense work stuff.  Coworker provoked me on the phone.  I got mad and yelled.  He got defensive.  I felt angry and guilty.  Everything feels personal.  Things feel like they're wearing at the seams and everyone's on edge.  Guhh...

"No matter what your chart happens to be like, the advice I have for you is quite simple.

When Uranus is involved, you can never quite plan in advance, and everyone is in the same boat. No matter what comes up, it will seem to be random, and not at all what you would even imagine might happen. All you can do is make sure you have nothing of enormous importance planned for September 29 plus or minus five days. Do not initiate a new business venture then, and do not sign a contract then. Certainly, you would be wise not bring up controversial subjects at that time, even casually. (Everyone you meet will be fragile this weekend, no matter what their sign happens to be.)"

Some minor plans, but hopefully nothing that will interfere.  Oh Susan, you speak to my heart...

Upon My Return

September 23, 2012

• soft, oversized t-shirts
• black leather motorcycle purse - super bitchy
• brown or pink leather moto jacket - Target?
• sneakers in a fun color

September 25, 2012

I've never been very good at that kind of thing.  "Self promotion."

ERMAGURD!  I can't stop saying ERMAGURD!

I wore the bear shirt again today.  People are coming up to me and growling at will, as if it is somehow socially acceptable.

Bear shirt................... Check
Hot jeans................... Check
Ass-kickin' boots....... Check
Hot hair..................... Check
Killer 'tude................. Check

Is ink my true love?

Notes

*Must find hammer

• couch
• curtain rod for bay windows
• curtains - white and black flowers, beige panels [tabbed], beige panels
• dishwasher
• sanity

How to sell paintings:

1. make good paintings
2. get business cards
3. get a website
4. get digital images of all work - archiving + future prints
5. CDs of work? [is this archaic?]
6. pricing
7. go places and convince them to hang your stuff
8. wait

Steve Sable died.
Who's Steve Sable?
Nevermind.

HR Director commented on my differing food choices.  Sometimes healthy, sometimes NOT.
Turns out, my current mental state can be determined by whatever I'm eating.
Is Pea in a good mood?  
I don't know -- What's she having for lunch?

Tuna salad - Happy and busy, but not frantic
Milky Way - Busy and almost stressed, but not quite there yet
Bernie's $5 Teriyaki - Fairly chipper and trying to get a free lunch - don't ask her for favors
Subway sandwich, toasted - Quietly stressed and doesn't want to talk about it - leave her alone
String cheese - Very stressed out, approach with caution
Burger King cheeseburgers - REALLY stressed out, probably cried at least once today - BEWARE
Javier's - She has already decided F*** THIS DAY and may or may not respond violently - DO NOT APPROACH
Anything sit-down - The day has been proclaimed "OVER" and she is no longer at work - reactions may vary, approach first with large stick and then with ice cream sundae

Hello Autumn

September 9, 2012

What a fantastic Fall morning!  No wonder I'm feeling so creative...

My eye detects such subtle changes in the light, the shadows only a few inches longer than weeks ago, but still -- the difference feels enormous.  I feel so many happy things when summer slips into Fall, most of which I cannot express in the right way.  Maybe it's my "soul laughing?"

Even that seems trite.

Forgot One

Dreams
September 9th

The first day of school, or maybe a reunion -- I met Drew, very glad to see him! -- My old friend Nicole is here, too!  She is so much taller than I remember, but still the same warm face and smile -- She smells so pretty -- I realize after all this time -- thirteen years? -- I have missed her deeply -- Why did I lose touch?  She was always such a good friend to me --

Of Home and Things

September 11, 2012

We got keys.  

Lying on the empty floor felt nice.

It still smells like paint, but it's alright.  And it's really cute.

But, it is difficult to be excited right now, for two reasons:

1. Life (read: work) is too stressful
2. Moving BLOWS

Even though it's only about a hundred feet away, it's still moving, and I still have to change my address, move the electricity, update my address with everyone and every company I'm currently in contact with, sign up for gas service, rent some dollies... A bunch of really annoying things that I'd hoped to not have to deal with for a while.

But what can I do?  Not much.  Except sit here and whine about it while eating fresh blueberries and yogurt, and making sure I jump on the fast moving train that is my recent creative rampage (crampage?).  Some of the stuff I'm working on is a little bit secret, and Susan Miller said it would behoove me right now to continue to work in "secret."  

Since she's right about almost everything, I'm going to take her advice.

Dreams
September 9th

Cale sits in the chair, a terrible look on his face, contorted and upset -- they just returned from the beach and had a terrible fight -- so livid is his expression, unable to speak from overwhelming anger -- 

I've never seen him like this before --

[...]

We already moved into our new place, an old house with lots of people -- We planned on just us in a small apartment, but when it turned out to be the opposite we didn't really notice --  The biggest things I notice about the living situation are not the slew of unfamiliar people wandering in and out of the rooms, or the strange setup of the living room, but the hideous tile floor in the main living area -- lime green and lemonade pink! -- stretching from the floors up onto the walls -- tacky decorative tiles as focal points, appearing to have been installed by someone who knows absolutely nothing about laying tile -- An appraiser wanders around and it is only then understood that this building is Everyday Music, not a house, even though it looks like Music Millenium, with lime green tile -- NOW it makes sense why there are so many people around. --

Fire Pattern

Dreams
September 5th

Large houses, yards filled with plants, a waning night sky -- we lie on lawn chairs in the backyard looking up at the stars, the impending darkness -- Talking, chatting, laughing -- Then, the neighbor's house engulfed in flames, fire pouring out of the windows -- Oh no! I say, That house is on fire! -- He reassures me, It's one of those houses on the edge of the park, It'll be okay -- 

But it seems much closer than that -- Are you sure it's not closer? -- I get up from my seat to investigate, flames jumping from that house to ours, setting it instantly ablaze -- No!  No no no!

Spreading so rapidly, out of control, flames immediately in the kitchen, in the bedroom, spewing violently out the windows and creeping over the roof and around the porch -- 

NO NO NO!

Pulling my hair in anger, terror, fear -- How can it end this way?  How can Brightwood possibly end this way?

I run inside without thinking -- I need my phone, call the fire department -- I stand on the lawn and dial the numbers -- the woman's tone is calming, soothing -- she doesn't ask for my address -- That's weird, I think, They must have GPS --

We stand helplessly watching quiet fire swallow every memory I'd ever had, standing on the lawn, waiting, hoping it's not as bad as it looks -- Crying, yelling, feeling my insides shrink into oblivion, swallows me whole --

Idle Time

September 3, 2012

It's just this day, right now.  It's not everything, not all things that ever were or all things will be.  It's just right now.

And even though right now feels messed up, the air still smells beautiful and Fall is still sneaking in and my shoulders don't hurt today.  All of these things are so good.

I had a wonderful time with KT.  She is back from Alaska.  I didn't realize how much I missed her.  She makes me feel creative and energized and happy.

Continued

Dreams
August 29th

A beach at sunset -- I drove there hoping to catch the crowd and people-watch for a while, but the sun had just sunk behind the mountains -- the sky a dusty grey tinged with the lingering orange of waning sunlight -- 

The people have all gone, getting into their cars -- I parked mine and got out, walking slowly through the sand, the damp ground underneath the waves -- Matthew is here -- Matthew!  I haven't seen you in so long! -- He knew I would be here -- He won't tell me how, but he knew -- 

He brought chips and guacamole to munch on, some of the best guacamole I've had, in a bowl that looks like one of mine -- "You made it," he says -- "A couple days ago, from the party." -- I have no recollection --

We hang out in the shallow waters as the sky turns dark, talking and laughing and sharing the snack -- 

Cosmic Uncertainty

August 29th

Something must be misaligned in the universe today.  My neighbor's apartment was broken into, her laptop stolen while she took a shower, then I dropped my sunglasses in the toilet, then everything I picked up before going to work fell swiftly out of my hands, then while going to get lunch my Top Five Least Favorite Songs in the Whole Entire Cosmos came on the radio all at once, on different stations.

1.  Sheryl Crow - All I Wanna Do
2.  Sublime - What I Got
3.  Red Hot Chili Peppers - Scar Tissue
4.  Paula Cole - I Don't Want to Wait
5.  Shania Twain - That Don't Impress Me Much


Ugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shoot me.

Disappointment: Part II

August 21st

Helser's on Alberta.  Again.

Only this time, breakfast and coffee on a Tuesday afternoon.

How did I get here?

It started this morning.  I was at work when I got the email that we are being forced to vacate our apartment by December 15th.  Well, "no option to renew" is the technical part, but if we find something sooner then that is allowed.

We just moved in on June 15th...

I expected to be here at least a year.  This place is magic.  I fall in love every single day when I walk through the door, when I make coffee in my sunny kitchen, when I sit on my stoop in the crisp mornings reading a book.

I instantly started crying, a little bit uncontrollably.  I had to take a walk.

All of the things happening lately.

All of the "life" I'm struggling to handle.

And now this -- something of a mighty blow.

What a pisser.

Forget trying to work.  Forget these stupid emails and meetings and phonecalls and BS.  I want to be away from here, more than anything.

Only, where can I go?  My distress about this news makes our adorable, wonderful, perfect little house the last place on earth I want to be.  I don't want to be at work because I cannot emotionally handle it.  I don't really want to be walking around in public for fear of nuclear meltdown.

So what does that leave?

I got through the morning best I could, fulfilled some duties that would have reflected badly on me had I not handled them.

Then I bailed for the only place I could call sanctuary: breakfast on Alberta.  And Helser's specifically has a pepper bacon and cheddar hash that is Heaven dipped in sunshine drizzled in chocolate served on a toasted English muffin with a pint on the side, and a cup of coffee, blessed personally by God Almighty, spewing rainbows into the Cosmos.

[...]

And now it's in my belly.

Fuck this day.

More Unsolved Mysteries of the Mind

Dreams
August 20th

I'm standing here talking to her and she's trying to talk me into cutting my hair off, really really short --

I tell her NO, I'm trying to grow it, but as she describes the cut I am more and more lured in to the idea of chopping it all off --

Stop being so impressionable --

I don't know who she is, but I'm supposed to know -- Some blonde lady in a pastel-colored cardigan -- 

I think of the maintenance on a short cut and I shiver, then resist the temptation --


[...]


A food cart, or maybe it's in a building, just very small, a literal hole in the wall on the side of a building -- french fries and fried fish -- They're disorganized and scrambling for tickets -- Did they lose Cale's order? -- The girl with the blue hair looks very stressed out -- This place is dingy -- Are we in New York City?


[...]


We can't find the captain of the ship -- Something is about to happen, something really important, and she is nowhere to be found --

My partner and I leave the ship, run down the ramps and onto the dock scrambling, searching, combing the dewy early morning streets -- She's huddled, crouched, wrapped in a large navy blue coat, or maybe it's a blanket, and her long grey hair that was once regal is now scraggly and unkempt -- Her eyes are wide and anxious, unknowing, unfamiliar and in another place -- sadness and confusion overwhelms me -- How could it have come to this?  How did everything decline so quickly? 

We try to help her back through the streets but she resists, resists, fights -- A chase ensues and my confusion must be set aside for the long pursuit --

While in Great Company

August 18th

[shouldn't the plural of "dominatrix" be "dominatrices?"]

Craving Clouds

White Bean Soup
olive oil
small onion, chopped
garlic cloves
1/2 tsp. dried basil
1/2 tsp. dried rosemary
1/4 tsp. dried thyme
1/4 tsp. salt
pepper
15 ounce can cannellini or great northern beans, drained and rinsed
1 1/2 cups vegetable broth

In a large saucepan, heat oil over medium-high heat.  Add onion, celery, garlic, basil, rosemary, thyme, and salt; reduce to medium-low and cook, stirring occasionally, 15 minutes, or until vegetables are softened.

Add beans and stir to combine.  Using a large metal spoon, transfer about 3/4 of the bean mixture to a blender.  Add broth and puree until smooth.  Return mixture to the saucepan, stir to combine, and bring to a simmer just to heat through.  Season with additional salt and pepper to taste.  Serve warm.

(I ate two bowls.  Thanks, Sis.)

The Holy Land

August 15th

My coworker called me this afternoon from Butte, Montana.  Apparently there is not much of anything in Butte, Montana.

"Dude, there is nothing in Butte."

"My brother wrecked his car in Butte."

"There is only one reason people go to Butte.  You'll never guess what it is."

"Marijuana?"

"What?  No."

"Okay I give up."

"A giant, festering cesspool."

"Come again?"

"It's called the Berkley Pit.  Google it."

I Googled it.

"It's a huge acidic lake that nothing can survive in.  Everything that falls in dies instantly."

"This is the coolest thing I've ever heard of!"

"Crazy huh!"

I then learned all about the Berkley Pit and started telling everyone about it.  (Apparently I'd made myself the new expert.)  Did you know 342 snow geese landed in it once and all 342 of them died immediately?  The lake custodian said it wasn't the lake that killed them, but I've seen these kinds of killer lakes before.

It's undis-BUTTE-able!

...

I couldn't resist.

Monsters & Bleach

Dreams
August 12th

A four-poster bed on a beach at low tide, fully made, linens and comforters perfectly folded and tucked -- 

A towering, terrifying sunflower monster, reaching forty, fifty stories! -- I've encountered big monsters before, but the sheer height of this giant flower beast makes my stomach leap --

A small lovely girl with large blue eyes and shiny brown hair -- She begs for her bed, cries and pleads -- The waves move slowly, a thin sweeping layer of water reaching seamlessly over the damp sand, like glass -- The massive creature hoists the bed into the air with giant leaf arms and thrusts it to sea, only for some reason it does not reach the orange waves, but remains in low tide, perched perfectly on the sheet of glass water --

The girl cries again, but we are not doomed -- somehow, we will make it through --

[...]

Trying to grow out my hair but I get so fed up with it -- the bangs are all wrong and it's poofing at the bottom -- trying to keep it from getting damaged and I'm excited that refraining from coloring it means it's all natural and healthy and one color --

So I bleach it, all of it, root to tip, white white blonde -- I love it, for a minute, then desperately regret it -- I spent so much time growing out the damaged parts, now I have to do it all over again!  What is wrong with me?!  Why did I do that?!

Dumbfounded, angry, so stupid --

On A Sunday, With the Boys

August 12th

Helser's on Alberta

pepper bacon & cheddar hash

sausage breakfast

smoked salmon hash

coffee

     coffee

          coffee...

. concept of "un-learning"

. "cursive typing"

. I want long hair so I can put it in a bundle atop my head

. maybe I'll feel better once the weather changes...

. ready for Fall, afterall?

The Composition Journey Continues

August 11th

Today's date feels important but I cannot place why.

Eating breakfast at John Street Cafe in St. John's and it reminds me of D.  Makes me miss our adventures in North Portland, St. John's, bumming around, eating lunch at places I'd never see from the street unless they were pointed out to me.

I still wish they were here.

[...]

There is the slightest amount of Autumn in the air today, kind of that smoky wood smell.  Feels a little weird -- Summer hasn't really fully begun.

But I don't mind.  Autumn is more my style.  I can go without summer.

Most Portlanders would murder me for such blasphemy!

I'm not sorry.

A Quiet Panic: More Dreams

Dreams
August 8th

There is an electrical fire -- It started on the desk in the classroom, at the main plug for the computer screen -- My life's drawings are stacked in a large pile leaning against the desk -- Someone calmly says "fire" and I immediately hear the sirens in the distance -- Oh good, I thought, It won't be long -- But it was -- 

The fire grew, enveloping all the cords and swallowing the computer, inching silently towards my drawings -- Is nobody worried? -- It takes several minutes for anyone to catch on, to realize the danger -- Slow panic eats away at the room, from our feet, from the ground -- The sirens go silent and the fire fighters do not show -- How can they not show? -- I go back into the room to save my drawings -- I cannot assume the fire will be put out -- fear and anxiety -- I move most of my drawings in  a few large stacks, but I'm forced to sacrifice others -- Widespread panic has fully set in, the fire spreads -- people running around yelling, screaming -- the fire fighters never show -- How can they not show?

Dealing With Disappointment

Not really what I wanted on a beautiful Tuesday morning.


"
...

I'm unfortunately not going to be able to renew your lease after your six-month term is up.  Right after I leased the condo to you, I lost my job...

...

so I have decided to move back out to Portland where the job market is better and start again...

... 

As it stands now, your lease would expire Dec. 15th, which is a really bad time of year to have to move given the holidays.  I want you to know that I will not hold you to staying that long if you find an alternative living situation prior to Dec. 15th and want to vacate sooner.

...

I know it probably seems as if you've just settled in only to have me throw you this curveball.  I feel really bad about this.  I never would have anticipated this situation, and I apologize for any inconvenience it causes you.

...

"

So, uh, moving again, sometime.

Maybe it's another blessing in disguise?

Meeting Degas

I had a painting lying around forever and ever that I hated intensely.  It had been through so many permutations I couldn't bear to think how to resolve it.  For more than a year it sat.

Then suddenly, today, out of nowhere: sudden inspiration.

I have misplaced the process photos from the original painting, so I must begin where I began today, with the first overlay.

Sometimes, there is nothing you can do to resolve a painting

other than just paint the fuck over it.

It freaks me out a little that I can still see her face in this one.

Channeling Degas and fellow artist S. Bertino...

S. Bertino

Acrylic

August 2012

It feels like the old lady is still in the painting, like her spirit contributes to the entire communicative experience of the painting as a whole.  I love that.

J-Chanandle put it quite nicely:

"That eye line is pure sex."

Thanks, J.  

Feeling really good about this one.

<3

Midnight Parasailing

Dreams

August 5th

Parasailing in the middle of a field at night, a group of us that want to fly, moonlight on the highway --

We reach our destination but it starts raining and there's some lightning too -- We're forced to cancel the excursion even though the director still wants to try it, lightning and all -- I have to talk her out of it, for our safety --

[...]

We're in a field searching for something -- tall grasses, bright moonlight, small ponds reflecting -- the men are throwing frisbees and we're keeping score -- Cale thinks there is something wrong with one of the men, like maybe he's disabled --

A group of shadowy figures begins swarming in the distance, moving systematically towards us, no faces -- dark, with large coats -- Cale asks if I want to see a special place -- "Do we have to hop a fence?" I ask -- "Will that be a problem?" he responds --

We roll ourselves over a fence, my tunic nearly snagging on the rough boards --

Then, running through the woods, dodging mud puddles and swamps -- He is strangely quick on his feet, daggers in cases dangling from his belt -- the world lit by moon, my eyes adjust to the dim glow and things start to look bright -- I can see more now than ever -- 

He leads me into an ancient abandoned building, hexagonal in shape, with small benches around the edges at the bottom of a steep staircase -- I deduce it used to be a church, a refuge -- high ceilings reaching thirty, forty, fifty feet, moss and plants overgrown, but intense magic -- overwhelming magic -- the history of the space, the walls, the memories, is palpable -- a strong surge of warmth and happiness and I can see the thousands of people, walking in and out and in, praying and laughing and finding sanctuary --

Shadowy figures approaching, scouring land, causing pain -- we never see them do it, but we can hear the cries and feel the fear -- but here, we are safe -- in the church, with the plants in the dark, we are safe -- we hide out for many minutes, the glow of his iPhone periodically cutting the darkness with blue light -- a figure appears in the doorway above our heads but we are not visible in the shadowy depths of the recessed room -- he continues on, unaware of our presence --

Things Are Starting to Get Weird, Folks

Dreams
August 4th

It's a cleanup day for our apartment complex, part of the Homeowner's Association stuff, and there are people in and out of all the units, examining and checking and snooping -- Erin is there and looking very pregnant, discussing the cobwebs on our lawn and how they will need to be removed -- 

Our apartment has secret rooms, walls that move up into the ceiling to reveal a den and another bedroom connected to our bathroom -- so much more space!  How did we not know about these rooms before?  Furnished and carpeted with lots of doors and windows and shelving -- It's a miracle! -- Erin leads us around through all the rooms -- Spacey and disconnected, her eyebrows are thick and dark -- her husband cooks something in his kitchen -- Suddenly, all the apartments in the complex are hooked together -- we can walk seamlessly from one to another without going outside -- hallways and windows and people wandering around everywhere -- a big community space that is much bigger than I recognized but it still makes me a little bit mad -- 

I'm standing on the outside of the building and it looks uncannily like the Brightwood House -- No, it is the Brightwood House -- on the corner with the redwood trees and pines in the corner bed, and the porch with white railing that wraps around and around -- I think, Our complex is in Portland, Oregon but it is Brightwood -- I don't think it odd, the resemblance, but it warms me with calm feelings and the slight sense of nostalgia without the sadness -- 

We're back wandering through the rooms, the big secret rooms that I didn't know about, there is one with a bathroom -- all this time when he would leave the bedroom in the middle of the night to go pee, he was using this other toilet, the Secret Toilet, and assumed I knew all about it -- Again, questions -- so many questions! -- How could I not have known about the walls that go up into the ceiling, revealing a den that could easily be utilized for hanging out and TV watching?

All this time we could've been using this as our hanging out room, instead of the living room that becomes so unbearably hot in the evenings -- I'm irritated, left in the dark -- everyone else knows except for me and that makes me so mad -- Struck with angry thoughts laced with small amounts of panic -- 

I now have more rooms to buy furniture for, more rooms to decorate and shui and figure out and organize things for -- this was not in my budget -- resentment, frustration -- 

[...]

The small backyard has railroad tracks running through it, running right through it, mere feet from our back door -- trains run feet, FEET!, from our glass sliding door -- While shocked and amazed and again not understanding how I could not have known about this previously, I think how it makes a lot of sense, because the train sounds are so loud at night --

Not only does the train run right behind our house, but it's the end of the line, the tracks just STOP right here, dead end at a tree with a patch of dirt and a small unpainted fence -- There are small dogs looking far away, below me and the wooden platform I stand on -- a white terrier type and Rottweiler -- William the Rottweiler -- running exuberantly in the yard and then, on the tracks -- tracks that now move further and further below, now a considerable drop going further away -- 

The dogs are specks now and the train is coming full speed but they can't hear me shouting -- Cale runs down to wrangle them -- sounds are muffled and the train's horn blares -- I see the conductor and he looks familiar but I can't place him -- not slowing, signaling them to get off the tracks, Cale chasing the dogs -- the train runs over them but they are not smashed, they are in tact, frozen from fear and shock, waiting for something, a signal or sign -- Tim emerges from the cabin angry and red-faced -- Cale and the dogs move aside and it is only then we realize they have been injured, not fatally, but with wounds that will need swift attention -- I cannot believe he went onto the tracks to get the dogs! -- Oblivious to any real danger -- tracks that still move further away from our glass door -- I don't know how they are so close --

Authentic Happiness: Character Strengths

You should go here and take this test:

http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/default.aspx

The one at the bottom called "VIA Survey of Character Strengths."

There are 24 designated character strengths that are strongly linked to qualities of virtue.  This test ranks them scientifically and your top five are considered highly influential and strongly characteristic of who you truly are and what you value.

I was surprised and delighted to discover my top five.  I feel like they are accurate.  My Top Strength surprised me especially, but when I think about how I function at work and with my money, this is definitely accurate.  

Your Top Strength

Caution, prudence, and discretion You are a careful person, and your choices are consistently prudent ones. You do not say or do things that you might later regret.

Your Second Strength

Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness Thinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind.

Your Third Strength

Modesty and humility You do not seek the spotlight, preferring to let your accomplishments speak for themselves. You do not regard yourself as special, and others recognize and value your modesty.

Your Fourth Strength

Social intelligence You are aware of the motives and feelings of other people. You know what to do to fit in to different social situations, and you know what to do to put others at ease.

Your Fifth Strength

Spirituality, sense of purpose, and faith You have strong and coherent beliefs about the higher purpose and meaning of the universe. You know where you fit in the larger scheme. Your beliefs shape your actions and are a source of comfort to you.

Thoughts on Process

flow

loss of awareness and time
loss of self-consciousness
challenging, requiring concentration
requiring high level of skill
immediate feedback
lack of emotion

I produced a drawing, the final drawing of about 6 of 7, that gave me that fluttery, in love feeling.  The feeling that I used to get pretty frequently in art school, when I was drawing a lot.  The drawings preceding this one were apprehensive, careful, too self-aware.  It took making a number of those kinds of drawings to be able to let go and draw how I know how to draw, be how I know how to be, make something beautiful, effortlessly and gracefully and without regard for my own feelings, like I've done a hundred times before.

It takes making something lackluster, then thinking Well, I'll just try something else... and continuing on.  Ho-hum drawings can feel like wasted time and paper, but if that's what it takes to create a masterpiece, then so be it.

...

It's a process of following a thought rolling around in my head.  I try to express the thought, either successfully or unsuccessfully, then once complete I either try to express the same thought again or it has lead to another thought that requires expressing.  This can go on for hours, attempting to make visual a thought that is both image and deep emotion, intertwined inextricably.

Things That Make Me Feel Wealthy

Listening to a dishwasher whirring

Having a place by the front door where we can leave our shoes

Access to any food I want, at any given moment

Being able to drink coffee every day of my whole life

Being able to save a lot of money, even though I don't make a lot of money

Sufficient Appreciation

"Insufficient appreciation and savoring of the good events in your past and overemphasis of the bad ones are the two culprits that undermine serenity, contentment, and satisfaction.  There are two ways of bringing these feelings about the past well into the region of contentment and satisfaction.  Gratitude amplifies the savoring and appreciation of the good events gone by, and rewriting history by forgiveness loosens the power of the bad events to embitter (and actually can transform bad memories into good ones)."

Martin E. P.  Seligman, Ph.D.

Authentic Happiness

(good book, you should read it.)

As part of the "Composition Book Adventure," I started keeping a gratitude log.  Oprah always endorsed such a log years ago, but I was too young to understand what it meant.  (I have since stopped watching Oprah.)

But writing down things that you are really, truly grateful for is proving very powerful.

Example:

I am grateful for...

a spontaneous evening with friends and food -- two of my favorite things 

that I do not make priorities nearly often enough

working up the strength to go to the gym after having not gone for weeks

my awesome, amazing, wonderful, high-inducing FLOW session - 

*four hours drawing*

the best grilled sandwich I have ever made, by far -- 

turkey, swiss, cheddar on wheat

(the turkey-swiss-cheddar has since been trumped by The Reuben, 

debuting last night at 10:00pm - pastrami, swiss, 'kraut, 

thousand island on Dave's Killer Rye... oh god...)

Anyway, you get the idea.  It makes me feel good about stuff.  Helps me acknowledge what I have, as I have a tendency to pick at the little things that are "wrong" with the day-to-day.  Nothing is ever really wrong, it's just how we arrange it in our minds.

The book referenced above really is a fantastic book.  I haven't finished it yet, as I'm probably the worst reader, ever, in the world, but I find myself wanting to sit quietly and absorb it all.  Very unusual for me and books.

The Art of Dreaming: Part I

I started writing in one of those composition books.  I usually have three or four journals or sketchbooks going all at once, but never a composition book, not since my college Creative Writing class.  This is where all the gritty stuff goes, the stuff that is not for show so it (naturally) must go on crappy lined paper, the stuff that I likely won't talk about with anyone because of its intensely private nature. 

That, and I am an intensely private person.  You may think Nooo but in actuality, I really don't disclose much about my innermost processes.  Not unless I know you well.  I attribute my ability to be warm while at the same time deflecting others' prods for information solely to my small arsenal of Libran qualities.  A useful skill, it's turning out to be.

I guess you could say the composition book is where the "secrets" go, but I wouldn't call them secrets.  I don't know what you'd call them.  

Non-Conversational Items

Private Holy Tidbits

Things You Wouldn't Tell Your Grandma

But one thing that goes in this book is a dream log I've been keeping.  For a psychology class once, the Boy kept a dream journal for an entire quarter, or semester or whatever it was.  He read parts of it to me the other night and oh MAN was it awesome!  So rich and full and beautiful... and inspiring.  

A big part of keeping a dream journal is not the writing part but the remembering part.  Many of my dreams flit away upon waking.  Sometimes they come back to me in short flashes later on in the day, but are then gone as quickly as they arrived.  As I have been learning, remembering dreams is not something you must try hard to do or something you must throw a lot of energy into.  Rather, it is a matter of relaxing the mind, engaging in some mild meditation before bedtime and throughout your day, opening a place in your psyche where you can allow these dream "memories" to exist and manifest, and hopefully float into your full consciousness.  

An excerpt --

August 1st

A red-headed woman, a little bit disheveled like she'd been sweating from a workout, or like she'd just awoken from a fitful sleep -- her cheeks are flushed bright pink -- I thought how she went a little overboard with the blush, then realize maybe that is her natural flushing color -- No, I determined -- definitely too much blush, but I still cannot stop staring at her while she speaks exuberantly about this thing and this other thing --

July 30th

I work more hours than anybody -- tallied on a sheet, written in big loopy numbers, in pencil, hours totaled at the bottom and I have more than anyone -- How can that be?

July 29th

<piece of an exerpt>

...I keep checking the back of my hair with a hand-held mirror and it's ugly and keeps falling out -- the pins won't stay -- the mirror goes back to the spot where it is stored but I keep picking it back up to check my hair, but I am never satisfied --

I read these to Will one night.  We laughed, because many times dreams that feel intensely real later sound silly.  

"I guess this is what I'm about -- grooming myself, working too much overtime, and being mesmerized by red heads," I laughed.

It's not that inaccurate, I'm afraid!

Boudoir Magic

To: Ma

From: Me

Okay, okay, you were right...

...the bed DID need to go on the other wall... It made all the difference!  Gahhh!!

And, I made the giant door a headboard again, for now, until I figure out something else I want to do.  I stuck some black & white photos on the glass and I rightly love it!  Just the right touch.

And, you can't see it in the photos, but above the blue dresser I hung a black-framed mirror that was originally in the bathroom, but wasn't the right height.  Now it's perfect in the bedroom!  It's weird how the things we think we hate we fall in love with all over again after we put them somewhere new...

XOXO

Pea

The bedroom is coming along.  I took my mom's advice and moved the bed from the left wall to the right wall opposite the door.  What I really mean to say is I took my mom's advice and shui-ed the SHIT out of this room.  

It needed it.  Bad.

I got this giant door for free a few summers ago.  It was propped up against a big old tree in someone's front yard, with "free door" scrawled in Sharpie on one side.  A guy living in the house said they're getting a new door installed.  I sweet talked him into helping me haul it up the fat hill to my house on one particularly scorching day.  Nevermind that the door is A THOUSAND POUNDS OF SOLID WOOD.  That was before we got rear-ended a year and a half ago, when I could still lift crazy things and do silly stuff like that.

Anyway, it's been totally worth it, because I effing love this door.  I stuck some photos on it to warm it up a bit, and the Boy has been encouraging me to paint it another color.  I'm taking submissions.  Blue?  Orange? Purple?