Shifting Crowds, Ocean Tides

It's been a while since I've posted a dream.  Well, it's been a while since I've posted anything at all, but in particular a dream.  Here goes...

Dream
April 23, 2013

I'm going to look at a new apartment in a high-rise, in the Lloyd District -- Something about this whole thing is forced, like moving is not my choice, but I don't fight it, I accept it as truth and reality --  I'm not angry or resentful, but matter of fact and clear -- This is what must happen -- A lady shows me the apartment, very small and already furnished -- I am struck by the oddness of the couch --   The main room is cramped, furniture ill-arrange, the colors drab and outdated -- I don't hate it, but I don't love it -- It doesn't occur to me that in moving somewhere else I will be LEAVING my current apartment -- All is well and dandy --

We walk around the grounds through the courtyard and around the block -- I am unfazed, indifferent -- I run errands, lost in thought about the new place, about the furniture and how I will change it to make it less awkward -- It starts to slowly dawn on me that I will be moving out of my current apartment, specifically that I will no longer have the art studio -- the new place is so cramped there is definitely not room for art making, let alone to house all of my belongings, now that I think of it -- I realize my exit from the freeway to get home is from I-84 and not I-5 -- something about this makes my heart sink into my feet, realizing I am, indeed, in a very different part of town -- I'll have to change my routes to get everywhere -- Slow, quiet panic --

It turns to nighttime, overwhelmed with sadness and confusion -- Why am I leaving my apartment?  Does anybody else know?  How could I have agreed to such a strange and awful venture? -- I visit the new building after the sun goes down -- Hallways filled with scarcely clothed teenage girls who appear to be heading to or from a swimming pool -- This feels like a hotel, or a dorm -- I am out of place and intensely uncomfortable -- I think This is so public, how will I ever get privacy?  -- Despite the grassy knoll and parks on the ground floor far below, I am invaded, intruded upon -- The only way I'll ever find respite is in my apartment itself, which I don't even like and makes me uncomfortable --

Claw my way through crowds of teenagers, finally make it to my door and walk inside -- Even with all the lights on, it is still dim, tinged in gold, like Grandma's house -- I can't bear to be here -- I fight my way back downstairs to the ground level and go outside to explore the shops nearby -- I awoke early for this, the sun wasn't up yet -- I am awake before everybody so maybe I'll find some peace out here -- My feet step onto the sidewalk and I'm immediately shoved and pushed by a massive crowd of people on the sidewalk, shifting and moving like an ocean tide, moving not as individuals but as a whole group, as One --

San Francisco --

A huge food cart, almost like a cafeteria kitchen but entirely outside and uncovered, serving up steaming plates of food to an ornery gathering of drunk people -- It is already 4am and I thought I'd beat everybody here? --  But my morning is only beginning, and this crowd of people is topping off their night with a gut full of starchy food -- Nowhere can I step without being bumped into, shoved, pushed aside -- Oddly dark, for a city street -- The tops of people's heads aglow from the gold light of street lamps, heads moving and swaying and shifting like a giant amoebic being, hungry and restless -- I don't make it half a block before becoming frustrated and angry -- I turn back and cut my way through the hoard towards the hotel -- I will never have privacy!  THIS is my front yard?!  I cannot leave this building without being overrun by tides of people!  -- I think of my art studio -- I think of the sunshine pouring in through the windows on a warm bright day -- I think of how perfect it is, perfect for me -- I feel tears starting to form in my guts and I try to hold them back -- It simply is not right --

I Want to Be This Woman

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Where Ground Meets Sky

This is where I go
when I want to be
on the edge of the world
floating
flying
the quiet of the earth
the hum of vastness
alone and away
in a crevice where ground meets sky
straddled between all there is
and all there ever was.

 



 

 

An Evening Observation

I realized today why it is as if by magic that I have slipped into a very "bachelor" type of lifestyle, after starting to live alone again.  The most apparent of bachelor choices being the food I'm eating and the manner in which I prepare it.  On too many a night have I gorged on beer, Ramen and microwave eggrolls, not entirely understanding how in the known universe the eggrolls even made their way into my freezer in the first place and why I choose to devour them with such frequency.

I only realized today why this happens.

After taking a leisurely hour-and-a-half walk after work today (the sunshine is simply brilliant!), I came home to find I'd bought some groceries the night before, anticipating I would want something tasty for dinner tonight (that Pea, she knows me so well...) and, shockingly, I did want something tasty for dinner tonight.

I spent some wonderful time preparing delicious roasted broccoli, juicy savory turkey burgers, and a tangy spring mix salad with avocado, bell pepper, banana peppers, and an olive oil dressing.  Everything was done all at the same time, so the hot food was hot, the cold food was cold, and I was just beside myself with excitement.  (Food makes me very, very happy.)

I cleared a little edge on my round table that is piled (piled!) with stupid amounts of clutter.  By God, I am GOING to eat this beautiful dinner at my table tonight!  I put all the food on the table, opened my awesome windows, absorbed the gorgeous Spring air pouring in the back door, and dived in. 

Only...

An overwhelming sense of loneliness quickly set in.

This amazing meal, this spectacular breeze, a complete setting that is purely divine -- and nobody to enjoy it with.

Hmm.

And it dawned on me: putting a lot of energy into cooking a great meal isn't as fun as it could be, if you can't share it with anyone. 

Enter: frozen pot stickers, cans of tuna, and peanut butter sandwiches. 

It all makes sense now.

And while I recognize the mild inherent loneliness in eating a great meal alone, I do feel way better having eaten something healthy and homemade, rather than gross and fast-food.  Perhaps something on the Tube can be my companion for the meals to follow...

Play

I am finding that a big part of "adulthood" is remembering who we were when we were children.  Because somehow a part of aging means forgetting what we were like in our purest, most honest state, before we learned to reason our way out of doing the things we enjoy.

As a child, were you imaginative?  Restless?  Did you write stories?  Were you a poet?  Did you spend hours entertaining ideas and fancies in your mind, in your soul, just because?  Were you adventurous?  Were you infinitely bold, courageous, free from fear, inhibition, self-consciousness?  Were you an inventor?  A doctor, sky diver, master chef?  Were your thoughts quiet and contemplative, or electrified and limitless?

At some point along the way, and through no fault of our own, we start to forget these things.  We are saddled with responsibility and distraction and practicality, and we stop doing the things that make us who we fundamentally are.  We stop being in such a way that is truly reflective and resonant of our souls.

Remember who you used to be.  Remember what it was that made you well up with joy, connection, and pure elation from your toes to the very top of your head.  Remember what those things are and cultivate them.  Today, now, every day.

Think
Draw
Paint
Read
Write
Want
Expect
Love
Contemplate
Seek
Ask
Play

Utilizing Saturday

...and another!  Fantastic fun.

 

Jamie & JackJack

Graphite, Charcoal, Conte on Paper

28" x 36"

Meditation in Graphite

Some spontaneous Springtime weather snuck up on me this afternoon.  It inspired me to walk the mile to Freddy's and grab some salad makings.  I walked back home, threw together an AMAZING salad and then showed it who's boss.  (ME.  I am boss.)

A bit of inspiration started creeping in last night and today I was able to capitalize on it after dinner.  I got fantastically sucked into this drawing and had the wherewithal to photograph the process.  So, for funsies:

 

 

Portrait 4.15.13

Graphite on Paper

18" x 24"

I rather like this drawing.

Oh, and have I mentioned I love nostrils?  It's my new thing.

XOXO

Don't Let Furniture [di]Stress You Out

I am notorious for starting projects and not finishing them.  Or, wanting to start projects and never starting them.  The fact that I not only began but COMPLETED a project I've been thinking about for years is a tremendous feat all its own.  The resulting fantastically awesome piece of furniture is just a bonus.

I forgot to take a picture of the dresser before I removed all the drawers and I didn't feel like putting them back in just for a photo.  So here are the "before" photos, getting prepped to paint:

 

 

I bought it several years ago at Hawthorne Vintage while I was still living in The Hut.  I liked the way the bold blue color looked on the black and white checkered floors.  But once I got it in my room here at The Brain, it just didn't hold together very well with the décor.  I've been wanting to distress a piece of furniture for a long time, so it seemed like the perfect time.

 

 

Nelle also had a piece she wanted to distress so we brought the dressers to her house and over a few sporadic sessions not without many, many beers and bonfires, I distressed the crap out this already pretty damn awesome piece of furniture.

 

 



Here are the steps to distressing from a total amateur who has never done this before:

1. Paint everything white (or whatever color you want the piece to be).  I did two coats for evenness.
2. Let it dry so it's fully set.  I left it for several days.
3. Start with a coarse sandpaper and sand the places where you want the wear.  It helps to be delicate with the coarse sandpaper -- too much pressure and it'll take off the color underneath.
4. Go over everything with a medium-grit sandpaper to refine the worn areas.
5. Finish with a very fine sandpaper to smooth out rough edges and snags.  Wipe everything down with a cloth.
6. I topped it off with vintage-inspired knobs from Hippo Hardware (which, by the way, is the best place ever on earth, EVER. http://www.hippohardware.com/index.htm?lmd=40605.680382).  For variety I used five of the clear glass fluted knobs, two clean-lined metallic grey knobs, and *one* clear glass amethyst colored knob and mixed them up.  Finished with the badass gilded mirror I bought the same day I bought the couch.

I love it!  It's perfect in my bedroom.  Once I make the room not a total $#!t hole anymore, I'll post a pic.

Holy $#!t It's Been a While

So.

It's been six months.

I know I kind of fell off the face of the earth for a while... But I hope you trust I have been productive and buzzing with creativity in addition to making some major life changes.  And I have not forgotten the beloved Teapot.

First off: the Boy and I broke up and he moved out.  I won't go into detail but it's important to note we are still wonderful friends.  I've been living alone in The Brain (what I have now dubbed the place that houses my Mess and me) since early January.  I am totally loving it.  It's been a while since I've lived alone, truly alone, and there is no other way to describe the feeling than it being overwhelmingly the most perfect thing for me right now.

Secondly, my levels of inspiration and creativity have spiked drastically.  I'm painting like a fiend, writing up a storm, and drawing like a madwoman.  I made it my Official 2013 Goal to paint two paintings per month.  So far I'm almost on track -- two in January, one in February, two in March.  If I do three in April I'll be good to go but I'm feeling really great about the progress nonetheless.  I have been posting the pictures on Facebook but I'll put them here too.  To say I am excited about the recent paintings is a stupidly massive understatement.

Thirdly, I've been doing more reading, thinking and pondering.  I have thus far categorically rejected the concept of Time (it simply does not exist), reinforced the power and magnitude of soul connections, and embraced my deep, unrealized love for the perfume "Fame" by Lady Gaga.  (I know, go figure...)  There is more, a lot more, to say about topics falling into the "existential" realm but I will discuss those at a later time. 

Lastly, I bought myself a computer.  A new computer.  A little 15.6-inch HP laptop with Windows 8.  I would like to note how monumental this is.  This is not only the first computer I have ever bought, ever, but the only computer I've ever used that is mine and only mine, not shared, nor used for other things like work or school.  The feeling of purchasing my own computer with my own money for my own purposes is a fantastic feeling.  Powerful, big, "grown up."  Still not sure what being an "adult" means, but I'm getting closer to understanding, I think... maybe......

(Do we ever feel like "adults?")

I hope to do some more regular writing and posting on the wee Teapot, the poor neglected thing... The good thing about her is she doesn't judge me, and has waited quietly and patiently for my return. 

More to follow.

xoxo