August 21st
Helser's on Alberta. Again.
Only this time, breakfast and coffee on a Tuesday afternoon.
How did I get here?
It started this morning. I was at work when I got the email that we are being forced to vacate our apartment by December 15th. Well, "no option to renew" is the technical part, but if we find something sooner then that is allowed.
We just moved in on June 15th...
I expected to be here at least a year. This place is magic. I fall in love every single day when I walk through the door, when I make coffee in my sunny kitchen, when I sit on my stoop in the crisp mornings reading a book.
I instantly started crying, a little bit uncontrollably. I had to take a walk.
All of the things happening lately.
All of the "life" I'm struggling to handle.
And now this -- something of a mighty blow.
What a pisser.
Forget trying to work. Forget these stupid emails and meetings and phonecalls and BS. I want to be away from here, more than anything.
Only, where can I go? My distress about this news makes our adorable, wonderful, perfect little house the last place on earth I want to be. I don't want to be at work because I cannot emotionally handle it. I don't really want to be walking around in public for fear of nuclear meltdown.
So what does that leave?
I got through the morning best I could, fulfilled some duties that would have reflected badly on me had I not handled them.
Then I bailed for the only place I could call sanctuary: breakfast on Alberta. And Helser's specifically has a pepper bacon and cheddar hash that is Heaven dipped in sunshine drizzled in chocolate served on a toasted English muffin with a pint on the side, and a cup of coffee, blessed personally by God Almighty, spewing rainbows into the Cosmos.
[...]
And now it's in my belly.
Fuck this day.
August 22, 2012
More Unsolved Mysteries of the Mind
Dreams
August 20th
I'm standing here talking to her and she's trying to talk me into cutting my hair off, really really short --
I tell her NO, I'm trying to grow it, but as she describes the cut I am more and more lured in to the idea of chopping it all off --
Stop being so impressionable --
I don't know who she is, but I'm supposed to know -- Some blonde lady in a pastel-colored cardigan --
I think of the maintenance on a short cut and I shiver, then resist the temptation --
[...]
A food cart, or maybe it's in a building, just very small, a literal hole in the wall on the side of a building -- french fries and fried fish -- They're disorganized and scrambling for tickets -- Did they lose Cale's order? -- The girl with the blue hair looks very stressed out -- This place is dingy -- Are we in New York City?
[...]
We can't find the captain of the ship -- Something is about to happen, something really important, and she is nowhere to be found --
My partner and I leave the ship, run down the ramps and onto the dock scrambling, searching, combing the dewy early morning streets -- She's huddled, crouched, wrapped in a large navy blue coat, or maybe it's a blanket, and her long grey hair that was once regal is now scraggly and unkempt -- Her eyes are wide and anxious, unknowing, unfamiliar and in another place -- sadness and confusion overwhelms me -- How could it have come to this? How did everything decline so quickly?
We try to help her back through the streets but she resists, resists, fights -- A chase ensues and my confusion must be set aside for the long pursuit --
August 20th
I'm standing here talking to her and she's trying to talk me into cutting my hair off, really really short --
I tell her NO, I'm trying to grow it, but as she describes the cut I am more and more lured in to the idea of chopping it all off --
Stop being so impressionable --
I don't know who she is, but I'm supposed to know -- Some blonde lady in a pastel-colored cardigan --
I think of the maintenance on a short cut and I shiver, then resist the temptation --
[...]
A food cart, or maybe it's in a building, just very small, a literal hole in the wall on the side of a building -- french fries and fried fish -- They're disorganized and scrambling for tickets -- Did they lose Cale's order? -- The girl with the blue hair looks very stressed out -- This place is dingy -- Are we in New York City?
[...]
We can't find the captain of the ship -- Something is about to happen, something really important, and she is nowhere to be found --
My partner and I leave the ship, run down the ramps and onto the dock scrambling, searching, combing the dewy early morning streets -- She's huddled, crouched, wrapped in a large navy blue coat, or maybe it's a blanket, and her long grey hair that was once regal is now scraggly and unkempt -- Her eyes are wide and anxious, unknowing, unfamiliar and in another place -- sadness and confusion overwhelms me -- How could it have come to this? How did everything decline so quickly?
We try to help her back through the streets but she resists, resists, fights -- A chase ensues and my confusion must be set aside for the long pursuit --
While in Great Company
August 18th
[shouldn't the plural of "dominatrix" be "dominatrices?"]
Craving Clouds
White Bean Soup
olive oil
small onion, chopped
garlic cloves
1/2 tsp. dried basil
1/2 tsp. dried rosemary
1/4 tsp. dried thyme
1/4 tsp. salt
pepper
15 ounce can cannellini or great northern beans, drained and rinsed
1 1/2 cups vegetable broth
In a large saucepan, heat oil over medium-high heat. Add onion, celery, garlic, basil, rosemary, thyme, and salt; reduce to medium-low and cook, stirring occasionally, 15 minutes, or until vegetables are softened.
Add beans and stir to combine. Using a large metal spoon, transfer about 3/4 of the bean mixture to a blender. Add broth and puree until smooth. Return mixture to the saucepan, stir to combine, and bring to a simmer just to heat through. Season with additional salt and pepper to taste. Serve warm.
(I ate two bowls. Thanks, Sis.)
[shouldn't the plural of "dominatrix" be "dominatrices?"]
Craving Clouds
White Bean Soup
olive oil
small onion, chopped
garlic cloves
1/2 tsp. dried basil
1/2 tsp. dried rosemary
1/4 tsp. dried thyme
1/4 tsp. salt
pepper
15 ounce can cannellini or great northern beans, drained and rinsed
1 1/2 cups vegetable broth
In a large saucepan, heat oil over medium-high heat. Add onion, celery, garlic, basil, rosemary, thyme, and salt; reduce to medium-low and cook, stirring occasionally, 15 minutes, or until vegetables are softened.
Add beans and stir to combine. Using a large metal spoon, transfer about 3/4 of the bean mixture to a blender. Add broth and puree until smooth. Return mixture to the saucepan, stir to combine, and bring to a simmer just to heat through. Season with additional salt and pepper to taste. Serve warm.
(I ate two bowls. Thanks, Sis.)
The Holy Land
August 15th
My coworker called me this afternoon from Butte, Montana. Apparently there is not much of anything in Butte, Montana.
"Dude, there is nothing in Butte."
"My brother wrecked his car in Butte."
"There is only one reason people go to Butte. You'll never guess what it is."
"Marijuana?"
"What? No."
"Okay I give up."
"A giant, festering cesspool."
"Come again?"
"It's called the Berkley Pit. Google it."
I Googled it.
"It's a huge acidic lake that nothing can survive in. Everything that falls in dies instantly."
"This is the coolest thing I've ever heard of!"
"Crazy huh!"
I then learned all about the Berkley Pit and started telling everyone about it. (Apparently I'd made myself the new expert.) Did you know 342 snow geese landed in it once and all 342 of them died immediately? The lake custodian said it wasn't the lake that killed them, but I've seen these kinds of killer lakes before.
It's undis-BUTTE-able!
...
I couldn't resist.
My coworker called me this afternoon from Butte, Montana. Apparently there is not much of anything in Butte, Montana.
"Dude, there is nothing in Butte."
"My brother wrecked his car in Butte."
"There is only one reason people go to Butte. You'll never guess what it is."
"Marijuana?"
"What? No."
"Okay I give up."
"A giant, festering cesspool."
"Come again?"
"It's called the Berkley Pit. Google it."
I Googled it.
"It's a huge acidic lake that nothing can survive in. Everything that falls in dies instantly."
"This is the coolest thing I've ever heard of!"
"Crazy huh!"
I then learned all about the Berkley Pit and started telling everyone about it. (Apparently I'd made myself the new expert.) Did you know 342 snow geese landed in it once and all 342 of them died immediately? The lake custodian said it wasn't the lake that killed them, but I've seen these kinds of killer lakes before.
It's undis-BUTTE-able!
...
I couldn't resist.
Monsters & Bleach
Dreams
August 12th
A four-poster bed on a beach at low tide, fully made, linens and comforters perfectly folded and tucked --
A towering, terrifying sunflower monster, reaching forty, fifty stories! -- I've encountered big monsters before, but the sheer height of this giant flower beast makes my stomach leap --
A small lovely girl with large blue eyes and shiny brown hair -- She begs for her bed, cries and pleads -- The waves move slowly, a thin sweeping layer of water reaching seamlessly over the damp sand, like glass -- The massive creature hoists the bed into the air with giant leaf arms and thrusts it to sea, only for some reason it does not reach the orange waves, but remains in low tide, perched perfectly on the sheet of glass water --
The girl cries again, but we are not doomed -- somehow, we will make it through --
[...]
Trying to grow out my hair but I get so fed up with it -- the bangs are all wrong and it's poofing at the bottom -- trying to keep it from getting damaged and I'm excited that refraining from coloring it means it's all natural and healthy and one color --
So I bleach it, all of it, root to tip, white white blonde -- I love it, for a minute, then desperately regret it -- I spent so much time growing out the damaged parts, now I have to do it all over again! What is wrong with me?! Why did I do that?!
Dumbfounded, angry, so stupid --
August 12th
A four-poster bed on a beach at low tide, fully made, linens and comforters perfectly folded and tucked --
A towering, terrifying sunflower monster, reaching forty, fifty stories! -- I've encountered big monsters before, but the sheer height of this giant flower beast makes my stomach leap --
A small lovely girl with large blue eyes and shiny brown hair -- She begs for her bed, cries and pleads -- The waves move slowly, a thin sweeping layer of water reaching seamlessly over the damp sand, like glass -- The massive creature hoists the bed into the air with giant leaf arms and thrusts it to sea, only for some reason it does not reach the orange waves, but remains in low tide, perched perfectly on the sheet of glass water --
The girl cries again, but we are not doomed -- somehow, we will make it through --
[...]
Trying to grow out my hair but I get so fed up with it -- the bangs are all wrong and it's poofing at the bottom -- trying to keep it from getting damaged and I'm excited that refraining from coloring it means it's all natural and healthy and one color --
So I bleach it, all of it, root to tip, white white blonde -- I love it, for a minute, then desperately regret it -- I spent so much time growing out the damaged parts, now I have to do it all over again! What is wrong with me?! Why did I do that?!
Dumbfounded, angry, so stupid --
On A Sunday, With the Boys
August 12th
Helser's on Alberta
pepper bacon & cheddar hash
sausage breakfast
smoked salmon hash
coffee
coffee
coffee...
. concept of "un-learning"
. "cursive typing"
. I want long hair so I can put it in a bundle atop my head
. maybe I'll feel better once the weather changes...
. ready for Fall, afterall?
The Composition Journey Continues
August 11th
Today's date feels important but I cannot place why.
Eating breakfast at John Street Cafe in St. John's and it reminds me of D. Makes me miss our adventures in North Portland, St. John's, bumming around, eating lunch at places I'd never see from the street unless they were pointed out to me.
I still wish they were here.
[...]
There is the slightest amount of Autumn in the air today, kind of that smoky wood smell. Feels a little weird -- Summer hasn't really fully begun.
But I don't mind. Autumn is more my style. I can go without summer.
Most Portlanders would murder me for such blasphemy!
I'm not sorry.
Today's date feels important but I cannot place why.
Eating breakfast at John Street Cafe in St. John's and it reminds me of D. Makes me miss our adventures in North Portland, St. John's, bumming around, eating lunch at places I'd never see from the street unless they were pointed out to me.
I still wish they were here.
[...]
There is the slightest amount of Autumn in the air today, kind of that smoky wood smell. Feels a little weird -- Summer hasn't really fully begun.
But I don't mind. Autumn is more my style. I can go without summer.
Most Portlanders would murder me for such blasphemy!
I'm not sorry.
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