Before the Rain Arrived [Cultivating 'Today']

Yesterday I felt some restlessness creeping in while the afternoon approached.  For the most part I fend it off well enough, but the doubt worms a little hole in my brain and unease can then readily take over.  I find when this happens, and when I become too self aware, too observant of me going about my day, rather than simply going about my day, experiencing nature helps tremendously.  It gets me grounded.  Kind of like a "reset" button on my mood.  Most often it is as simple as taking a walk.

I decided to sit on a bench in the beautiful park across the street and see what might happen in my sketchbook.  A few drawings of the sinking sun, some budding roses, and thick puffy clouds later and my mission was complete: fully grounded, fully here.  Doing this simple activity was music enough for my spirit, but the sun soon disappeared behind a curtain of cumulus, the air turned cold and the wind became insistent. 

I began my short walk back through the park towards Home.  The old trees towered over me and the sky, in varied and deepening shades of grey and blue, churned steadily after me like someone stirring a gallon of paint with a skyscraper-sized stick.  The chilled air kissed my cheeks.  I could feel my soul sigh with peace and happiness.  True happiness.  I felt it surge up from my feet, through my knees, my gut and settle in my chest, heavy but happy.   

Contentment. 

Then a thought, fully formed and revelatory: "What a gift, what a blessing it is that I get to live the life that I want."  And what else is it besides a blessing that not only do I have the opportunity to live the life that I want, but that I am actually doing so, living it, and then it brings me real fulfillment?  The last three days have brought overwhelming contentment and satisfaction, the feeling of not needing or requiring one single thing more in this whole world.  That in these moments, I have everything I want and need, and I am Whole.  That I have the ability to cultivate today, not yesterday or tomorrow, and each moment I breathe unfolds as its own tiny miracle, over and over again.  As I described it to Brother: All of my many buckets are full. 

While I understand I cannot always feel the bliss of such supreme moments, I cherish them when they gently arrive and float back out again, like a wave kissing the shore.