Today Must Be Irritating Day

I’m not much for venting about stuff, but today it is essential.  An observation: It must be built in to human programming to comment on the temperature, not limited to the weather, or in a room, or of our own bodies, or how we feel in terms of temperature, but primarily so.

It’s hot.

It’s cold.

It’s too cold.

I’m cold.

It’s cold in here.

It’s warm in here.

I’m suffocating in here.

I’m a sunlight person.

My feet are cold.

My toes are ice cubes.

I’m sweating balls in here.

My face is hot.

Your mom is hot.

Your mom like sweaty balls.

It’s too hot in here to think that’s funny.

I’m freezing and you don’t even care.

So that means I’m not a “sunlight person?”

It’s dark and cold in this office.

I like working in a cave.

I hate how you’re cold all the time.

Your mom hates it too.

I happen to be of the School that thinks being slightly on the cool side is far better than slightly on the warm.  I can always put something else on, drink something warm and yummy, walk around and generate heat.  But if I’m too hot, I’m just too bloody hot.  And when I get hot I get mad, and if I’m too hot and mad and there’s lots of computing going on, then it’s sort of over at that point.  So nevermind the fact that being in a cool environment should always trump being in a hot one, I feel no pangs of sympathy if anyone in my vicinity is “too cold” (whereas in most situations, I usually feel slight pangs if not hefty pangs of sympathy.  I am even capable of empathy, too, but it depends where I am in my cycle).  I truly do not care about your fingers, your toes, your face or how sucky your space heater is.  Wear something wool, put on a scarf, and shush.  Running one’s mouth does not, in fact, generate heat like regular running does, which perhaps explains why it happens so frequently.  And that means you can STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT IT because it’s NOT MAKING YOU WARMER.

Other things that mystify me:

• Why the heater in the office bathroom runs at full blast for about an hour in the morning and at no other time of day.  Have you ever tried to poo with a strong hot blast of air pouring over you?  It’s strangely challenging.
• Why the person in the next parking space at my building insists on parking diagonally in their space.  Technically legal, but SO. IRRITATING.  I guess they’ll get the hint by the dings in their door.
• Why coffee = happiness (not that it matters…)

Today, to combat the arctic cold, I am wearing the best thing in the world: a cerulean blue and hunter green wool Pendleton shirt with pearly buttons.  It was gifted to Brother #2 by our Stepdad along with a few others in different colors.  They’re “vintage” because he wore them in the seventies during his cop days when his mustache grew to Tom Selleck proportions and he’d bust pervs in Church parking lots.

Okay, that’s a lie.  His mustache STILL measures at Tom Selleck proportions.

When Brother “got too fat” for the shirts (which really means nothing.  Even when he was running half marathons every other day and sustaining himself on one apple per day and that’s it, he’d say he was “too fat” for his jogging shorts) he passed them on to me and now, HOO-rah, I get to wear them on delightfully brisk days like today.  It’s a good thing I was wearing it, because I might have frozen to death in the frigid sixty-eight degrees in my office before we got the heater fixed.