What Began As a Brussels Sprouts Recipe

From: Ma
To: Daughter

I offer the following article I found day before yesterday in The Vindicator (and I quote):

"AP Ottawa Drive, OH- In spite of requesting,

but never receiving, a recipe for roasted
Brussels sprouts, recent Youngstown newcomer,

Mrs. Gee Bee Young, successfully prepared them

this evening. A friend touted it as a "a culinary

victory. . . a Julia Child moment" for Mrs. Young.

Her triumph over this recipe is made even more 

poignant because of the hardship and despair she

suffered attempting to obtain the coveted recipe.

She emotionally confided to this correspondent 

that her daughter, Miss Pea Body, of Portland,

Oregon, had recently experienced roasted sprouts

at a party and had "raved about them. . . she made

them sound almost orgasmic." As a huge fan of sprouts,

Mrs. Young continued by saying she was "inspired and

totally excited . . . and really looking forward to

trying them" and had asked her daughter via e-mail

a few weeks ago to remind her how to do it. Mrs. Young

reported she was initially hopeful her request would

not be denied because, as she tearfully revealed,

"Pea and I have always been so very close. . . we even

drink our morning coffee out of matching rooster mugs

and then, like silly little teenagers, make dirty jokes

about the white cock and the black cock." Sources close

to Mrs. Young report she had "waited patiently for days

by her computer" for a response and had grown

increasingly desperate and "nearly despondent" when she

did not hear from her daughter. Another source revealed

he had witnessed Mrs. Young "crying into her

Post Toasties. . . it broke my heart. Nobody should

have to

see such a thing." The same source added, "I'm not

surprised Pea didn't get back to her poor mother, who,

by the way, loves her more than anything, on this.

The little ingrate is a notorious beer-swilling

hummus-eating whore. A real slut. Oh, sure. She's

gorgeous and all, but that's no excuse for treating

her mother this way. If she winds up as trailer trash,

it won't surprise me or hurt my feelings. She deserves it."